Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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