You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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