I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
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I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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