Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
