When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
