I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
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2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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