My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
