i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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