Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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