The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
