If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
