I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Even the bartender felt bad for me
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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