dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
