Need sex. Gaining weight.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
