I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
