Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
