I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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