so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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