I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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