Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
That's when you crack a 10am beer
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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