I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
