I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
