When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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