Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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