And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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