I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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