before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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