I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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