walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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