can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
