i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We have so much sex to catch up on
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
