I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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