hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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