It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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