I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
