I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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