Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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