Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
