I accidentally had phone sex last night
I can text with my tongue
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
