People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
