Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
