just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
