My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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