I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
