i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
