Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Randomize
