god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
