Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
