Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
