The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
