I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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