ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
