apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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