Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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