$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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