I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
now i know why i became what i already was.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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