I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
