This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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