i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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