I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
