the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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