just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
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Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
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The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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