i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
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An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
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Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
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IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I have post one night stand depression
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