I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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